These—excuse me, but there’s no other word for them—bastards all neglect to tell you the depths of Hades you will find yourself moments after that sweet newborn gets plopped into your arms—ensconced in a car seat—for the ride home.
Not being a bastard myself, I’ll let you in on it: for the record, you’re going to lose a lot of sleep. You will cry, wail, and gnash teeth. You will suffer physical agony. It is NOT fun. It IS work unlike any kind of work you have done before. It is, literally, TORTURE.
Mental, psychological, physical, spiritual torture all combined in a scrumptious torture gyro sandwich.
Prepare yourself now. Start taking naps every single moment you can. Go to the gym, get in shape. Believe me, you’ll need the muscles.
Start meditating.
Understand anger management. If you smoke, stop now. NOW. Months before baby comes. You have to get rid of any irritation because baby’s going to rub that nerve raw and you have to be able to cope.
If you drink, don’t stop.
Read this book
. Twice.Read this book
at least four times. Seriously. At least four times. When that baby is crying his ass off, you’ll really appreciate the techniques outlined in that book.Get some white noise. Use it often.
Be prepared for anything, from baby’s feeding to sleeping problems. Understand there are essentially three things a baby does: Eat, Sleep, and Poop. So you want to know everything about these three activities.
Get organized. O. R. G. A. N. I. Z. E. D. At least as much as possible.
Everything in its place. No clutter. Streamline everything. Get rid of useless shit. At 5 am when you’re groping around in the dark for this or that thing, you’ll really appreciate this tip.
Get proactive. Do stuff NOW (or even before now) before it needs to be done. Have diapers available everywhere. In the changing room, in your bedroom, in the living room. You have to be able to change a diaper in 2.2 seconds wherever you happen to find yourself with a shit-streaked baby.
Get a shitload of Kleenex and leave those boxes everywhere. Get burp cloths and make them a fucking fashion accessory.
Get hand sanitizers and place them everywhere. You may not get the opportunity to wash your hands before handling baby so take advantage.
Resist the temptation to buy useless shit. Keep streamlined. The more stuff you have to contend with (diaper warmers, fuck ‘em!) the more time you’ll spend nearly killing yourself and baby at 3.45am in the FUCKING morning.
Take deep breaths often. When momma wants to rip your head off and/or you hers, take a deep breath. Remember your meditation. Slow down, take a deep breath and then act. No sudden movements, they are very likely to be the wrong ones. Be nice to mom. Seriously, as much as you’d like to rip her head off and shit down her neck, she’s undergoing numerous, undiscovered shit like you have no FUCKING CLUE about.
Be nice to mom.
Baby is tough, but not that tough. Handle firmly but with care.
Spend as much time being grateful as possible—it is impossible to be stressed out and grateful at the same time.
Buy this
and this
.Get help. ASK for help. Tell everyone they’re going to need to help your ass out. They need to make themselves available to babysit while you and mom sleep. Fuck that, they owe you!
Get people to bring you (frozen) food. Quick-prep food. Get plastic forks, knives, dishes. Now’s not the damned time to be doing the dishes. Do NOT be afraid to be a slob. Everyone understands and if they don’t, fuck them. Then tell ‘em to get you some food.
Eat lots of food. Drink lots of water. You need nutrition, this shit is real.
There’s more, but that’s a good start.
In the end, it’s all worth it. Congratulations. It’s forever life-changing and so cool.
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