Naija Calls

For the past few weeks, my cell phone's been ringing with a peculiar type of call. The Caller ID for these turns up as “Unavailable”, which usually means the call originates outside known civilization—for me, this has always meant receiving a call from Nigeria.

My mother is long gone now so I know it's not her.

Invariably, I pick up the phone and a godawful perversion of broken English comes sputtering through. Take for example a call this morning:

“Helooo? Fred.”

“Yes, this is Fred, who is this?”

Unintelligible … “Mark.”

“Who are you, Mark? How do I know you?”

“Na wa. Allao me toe call you back.”

“No, don't call me back. Who are you?”

Click.

Fuck me!

May the fleas of a thousand camels infect the armpit of whatever lout distributed my phone number.

I've received Unavailable calls from men, women, people who sounded old, young, people with Hausa accents, and some with Yoruba accents and harsh Igbo accents. You name it.

What in Zeus' butthole these people would like to talk to me about is beyond me but I'm sure it's the usual: money.

The only consolation I draw from this is that it costs me nothing to receive these calls, but I'm sure it's costing them a ton. Which is why I sometimes answer.