Carbon Credits

I was reading Backpacker magazine last weekend and found a letter to the editor in which the pathetic writer asked a curious question. He wanted to know what steps he could take so as not to contribute to Global Warming.

His quandary was understandable, you see. In order to get out to the otherwise inaccessible Great Outdoors, he needed to use his gas guzzling SUV (or truck or whatever) to reach it and he didn't want to contribute to Global Warming while attempting to commune with Nature (gasp!) so he wanted to know if the editors at Backpacker had any suggestions.

Wouldn't you know it they did? These paragons of environmentalism suggested he buy something called Carbon Credits that would, theoretically, offset the emissions from said Gas Guzzler.

What a load of shite!

Here's some advice for those concerned about emitting more gas than they are comfortable with (apart from the obvious: stop eating Broccoli): kill yourself. Now. Really, do it. Now.

You see, that's the only way to be sure, really. You stop breathing (which produces the dreaded Carbon Dioxide), you stop driving that Gas Guzzler, everything stops. And you've saved the day.

I mean really think about it: your very presence on Mother Earth is an open wound on Gaia's ass. You use up resources every day you're alive: electricity, driving, excreting your vile waste that ends up god-knows-where, drinking the pure water that robs the pretty fish of their homes. Everything about you is a direct affront. Paying some company for Carbon Credits is another waste of time and yet even more salt on that wound. If you don't think so, think: how'd you make that money except by exploiting something? Someone, something suffered as you unthinkingly and brutally robbed them.

Every step you take kills a living, breathing, beautiful organism, if not millions. When you wash your stinky ass with precious, precious water, you kill peaceful symbiots that lived in peace on your person. If you use soap, it's even worse!!

As an added benefit, if you kill yourself, just think of those millions of organisms you'll be feeding? For once in your life, you'll be giving instead of taking. Doesn't that feel good?

Please give it some serious thought: kill yourself. Kill Yourself Now, Save The Earth.

Hint to the idiots among us: this is a joke, it is only a joke. Please don't kill yourself, I love you. I really do love you, you big palooka.